Internal Family Systems (IFS): Meeting the Parts of Ourselves

Why Do We Sometimes Feel Like Different People?

Have you ever felt torn between two choices? One part of you wants to move forward, while another feels frightened. Perhaps you know a relationship is not good for you, yet find yourself returning to it. These inner conflicts can leave us wondering why we sometimes seem to work against ourselves.

Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Dr Richard Schwartz, offers a compassionate way of understanding these experiences. It suggests that our inner world contains different “parts”, each with its own feelings, beliefs and ways of responding to life.

Getting to Know Our Parts

We may recognise an inner critic that pushes us to do better, an anxious part that worries about the future, or a people-pleasing part that tries to keep everyone happy. We may also have playful, creative or spiritually curious parts.

These parts often develop in response to our experiences. A child growing up around unpredictability may become watchful and alert. Someone who receives approval mainly for achievement may learn to strive for perfection. A person who has experienced rejection may protect themselves by avoiding closeness.

Strategies that once helped us cope can become restrictive later in life. IFS invites us to understand these patterns rather than simply condemn them.

Managers, Firefighters and Exiles

IFS describes three broad roles that parts may take.

Managers try to prevent emotional pain before it arises. Perfectionism, people-pleasing, overthinking and controlling behaviour can all be ways of trying to keep life safe and manageable.

Firefighters step in when difficult feelings break through. They may seek quick relief through distraction, compulsive behaviour, anger, or shutting down emotionally. Although their strategies can cause problems, their underlying aim is often to stop distress from feeling overwhelming.

Exiles are the vulnerable parts that carry painful feelings such as shame, fear, grief or loneliness. Other parts may work hard to keep these feelings out of awareness because they seem too difficult to face.

These labels are not diagnoses, and our inner world is more individual than any simple framework can capture. The important point is that even the parts we struggle with may be trying, in their own way, to protect us.

The Self: A Compassionate Centre

In IFS, the Self is not another part. It describes a deeper capacity for calmness, curiosity, clarity and compassion. When we can relate to our inner experiences from this place, we may begin to listen rather than fight, and become curious about what a particular part fears or needs.

This has a spiritual resonance for me. Different traditions speak of a deeper awareness beneath the changing personality. IFS does not require any spiritual belief, but its idea of Self connects with the More Soul Approach and the possibility of discovering greater awareness beneath our wounds and defences.

IFS and Tarot

Symbolic work can offer another way to explore our inner world. A tarot card might prompt us to reflect on control, attachment, solitude or new beginnings. Used therapeutically, tarot is not about predicting what will happen; it can help us ask, “Which part of me is present here, and what might it be trying to tell me?” You can read more about therapeutic tarot.

A Moment of Reflection

The next time you notice an inner conflict, try pausing before judging yourself. You might gently ask:

• Which part of me is speaking right now?
• What might this part be afraid of?
• What is it trying to help me with?

We do not need to reject parts of ourselves to heal. Often, change begins when we meet them with curiosity and compassion. Beneath the competing voices, we may discover a steadier presence that can listen and help us respond with greater freedom.

If you would like to explore IFS alongside a deeper psychospiritual approach, find out more about working with me online.